The Struggle of Change

Today I am finding myself wondering why some days seem more difficult instead of easier.  Don't they always say "Time heals all things?"  In a way time does heal things, but it doesn't change things.  Only I can be the one who makes the change.

I think I found my answer.  Somedays seem harder because they are, because I am constantly learning and growing, everyday becoming an even better woman, a better mother, a better person.  I am changing my character.  Anyone who says they have changed, but doesn't go through the struggle of change, has not changed at all.  They are merely hiding their behavior.

The problem with that is, in time, things that are hidden, are always found.

As I allow myself to learn, grow and become stronger,  I am changing my character and that is a tough storm to make it through.  But I do know that the person I entered the storm as, is an entirely different person that is going through it now and I will be still an entirely different person when I emerge out.

That is what the storm is all about.

Woman with a Vision

Today I needed to post something that got my blood flowing, something that makes me stand just a little taller, something that puts a purpose to my step.

I have now reminded myself that I have a vision for me and my little guy.  I know what we can do, I know what we will do and I know that we will do it together.  No matter what obstacles are thrown in our way we will succeed in our own happiness.

"What If" all your dreams come true

Be Courageous;  It is such a great line to say and such a difficult thing to do.  Fear can overtake a person's spirit so quickly...but only if you allow it too!  I said once before that I started this site because each day Fear sneaks in and I get so scared about the future.  Knowing that ultimately one person will decide a large portion of my life and my little guys life is such a frightening experience.  I can only trust  that this person knows God and listens to God and always remember that I am a daughter of God.

I will stand with Dignity and Strength AND an army of angels beside me (Led by both my Grandmothers).

But today, is not unlike any other; my mind is constantly racing with thoughts of fear, of the "What if's".
So this morning I decided that the "What If's" of my life are always going to be

"What If" Something POSITIVE happens.

The moral of the story is....Why does "What If" always have to come before something negative.  

Why can't  "What If" come right before all your hopes and dreams?

A friend lost

I lost a friend today.  I do know that in a breakup eventually everyone has to choose a side.  But I was so hoping to keep some-kind of relationship with her.  She was a great friend, like a sister to me. Sad Day.

Theme of the Day: Stay Afloat or Sink...Your Choice

 Somethings require all your commitment, all your patience and all your strength just to "get through it".  Remember it is not a sign of weakness to ask for help from others.  It is actually a sign of humility that you know that you are not the superpower in the universe.  Remember even Superman was brought down with Kryptonite and without someone else always picking him up,  he is doomed.

I realized today many people are just hanging out waiting for you to ask for their help. Remember that when you are scared to ask for help or comfort, A good person doesn't like to see another person struggle.  I mean really, what kind of person likes to see another person in pain anyway?

Almost 100% of the time people will be there for you if you are humble enough to ask.

Kick the Devil Goodbye

Wow, this quote was sent to me this morning by a friend that had absolutely no idea what I have been dealing with this week.  Court preceding are beginning for Child Support and Child Custody in my life and for a few hours last night I was discouraged, disheartened and scared.  Then when I awoke bright and early at 5:30 AM to get my guy loaded up for our morning run I looked at my phone and here was his email with this quote.  It's amazing how God works sometimes, there is no way he knew about all of this and yet he still feels the "urge" as he called it to send it to me.  Yes I am scared, not of the outcome, that is in God's hands.  I know that I am prepared, I have been preparing for months for this chance.  I am scared of the unknown I guess.  But most of all I am excited for the opportunity that might be coming our way.

The Devil will always try to knock me down, it is in his nature.  What the devil doesn't understand is that when it comes to me and my guy, I posses an infinate amount of love, happiness, focus, commitment and patience.

Today Choose Bravery, Tomorrow Choose Courage, Wednesday Choose Faith

I have some things coming up in a few days that are going to require a whole lot of bravery.  I am prepared, now is the time that I will remain strong, calm and dignified.  When you do things with good intentions, people take notice.  I will be repeating a few lines I once taught my neice a long time ago.

I am beautiful inside and out, 

I am strong inside and out 

and I can handle anything!

Fearless momma

This is a great quote.  It just makes you want to get up and get things done.  

There'll always be people in your way trying to knock you down, get up, be fearless and do what you know is right.

Lucky to have Friends, Really lucky to call them Family

I spoke to one of my most bestest, favoritest (yes it's my word) most awesomest friend in the world last night!  And!,  even  more than ALL  that.  She is my cousin!

Here we are plugging away in this world with my little guy trying to stay inspired on a daily basis and then suddenly I find out...She needs me and she needs my inspiration!

All I can say girl is 

"Get to me"

Let me tell you about her.

She is an angel.

There ya go, that says it all.  When I even think about her I feel peaceful and calm.  She is the most beautiful person inside and out.  She may think she needs me, but really...somewhere out there in the universe...our ever so smart Grandma is saying...OK, Girls you were put on this earth around the same time for a reason...... This is just another one of those reasons, now is the time.  Find each other again and become whole!

Moral of this post....If you wallow in your own sadness you might miss the fact that someone needs you, someone really special needs you.  Don't miss your opportunity to heal  and grow by helping someone else.

Choices and Consequences

A little over a year ago, Before my little guy was born, I made a choice.  It turned out to be the wrong choice, I guess and today I felt a little repercussion from making that choice.  I missed a family event last night and that made me sad.  To be honest, very sad.   I felt like because of me and the choice I made my little guy is really missing out on something great and that just hurts my heart tremendously!  It is a long story, but I can honestly say, I do remember trying so hard to make the correct decision, praying over it, contemplating it not only on a daily basis but a "every second" basis.  Ultimately, the decision I made, the person I put the most faith in, turned out to be the wrong person.  But amiss my sadness, today also reminds me of something my cousin in law and very good friend said to me just about one month ago. 

When you are on the right path 

and sincerely trying to do things with good intentions, 

Even your wrong choices turn out to be good in the end.

I live that way now, everything I do and every decision I make for myself and for my little guy, I try to do with the best of Intentions. Today is one of those days in which I really have to keep saying; "Everything happens for a reason" and I am sure that one day the reason will become so apparent that I will say..."Oh, so thats why!"  That will be a great day.

Update: In my wallowing, I got tired of my wallowing....A Hymn came to mind.....


So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be disheartened, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Stop the wallowing, count your blessings! 
 I have a lot of them, 
I have the best one 

Choose Joy, its nicer

Today's post comes from my younger brothers Facebook page (Hank Smith), which actually came from my older sister's blog!  My younger brother has such smart sisters!  I loved the way this just immediately changed my outlook on the day!  I was driving to work and as soon as it hit 8:00 AM, I get a phone call from the Hospital reminding me that I still owe them 4084.00 for my little guys birth.  (My deductible was $5000).  I told them I was paying them $75 monthly and they said that was sufficient and they kindly requested more money, I kindly denied and said "Sorry, that's all I can afford" as a Single Mother.  After a little more discussion, telling them how proud I was of myself (and how proud they should be of me) to have paid almost $1000 in less than a year on my income... I hung up and said outloud:  "I choose Joy, I choose Joy, I choose Joy....Dammit!  Then started laughing, I crack myself up sometimes!

Moral of the story....This quote saved my day. Give yourself one great positive thought every morning.

Oh and also,  Today, I choose Joy cause choosing the alternative is just, well....dumb!

Go Get Lost!

Today's post is about getting lost.  Today my little guy and I set out to find a Pumpkin Patch.  I live in a fairly rural part of Florida so I didn't think it would be difficult to find one.  I was right!  It wasn't.  We found an absolutely amazing Pumpkin Patch in Dunellon Florida.  The best part of the story happened when we got there.

I ran into some old friends (friends from my past relationship)  When they saw me there with my little guy, just the two of us, she said "So, who are you here with"?  I said "just me and my little one".  Then the next sentence was priceless!  She said "Oh" in a suprised manner and then immediately  "Oohh" in a sympathetic manner.  It was really funny.  I said,

"Oh, don't worry about us, we make our own way in this world".  
I know she didn't mean anything bad by it, in fact she is really a nice person that I miss knowing and miss talking too, but she should have stuck with the first "Oh" as in "Thats Cool" and dropped the "Thats to bad...Oh".

Moral of the story, Just get up and go somewhere.  Sitting at home thinking about how nice it would be to go do ......whatever it is you are thinking about doing.  I promise it is nicer and more fulfilling to just to get
up and go do it.

That is our motto now, whatever it is, we can do it and we can do it together.

10 Months Old and a Swimming Star

I normally do not post personal posts on this site but this is something I feel so strongly about and just by watching this you may be urged to get your little one into swimming lessons too. 

Sarah Dodge is the owner and swim instructor at Pediaquatics.  (www.pediaquatics.com).  In Homosassa Florida.  She has taught my little guy to not only swim but float on his back for 5 minutes!  He is 10 months old and swims like a champ, but if he finds himself not able to make it back to the step or can't get to my hands he knows to roll over and float to get his air. 

Sarah and her lessons save lives, I know it.  If you have the ability to enroll your little one into Survival Swim Class, please do it!

I love Mommy Hugs and Kisses

Yesterday, when my little guys daddy dropped of my guy to me I realized just how true this quote is.  He was dropped of at my work and as soon as we got inside he started smiling, hugging me and kissing me over and over again.  That's when I realized my little guy actually misses me!  He would lean over and look at me, smile and then kiss my cheek. Being 10 months old, it is hard to know what he is feeling but yesterday I got a little glimpse of what he will say once he learns how.  I felt like it was, Hi Mommy, I missed you! Kiss Kiss Kiss, Hug Hug Hug, Smile Smile Smile.  I love being a Mommy!

You already KNOW your answers, you just have to UNDERSTAND your answers

THINGS I KNOW

I know I will have hard days,

I know that it is time to forget the past, 

forgive my mistakes and focus on what is happening in our life today.

  

I know our adventure is new and just beginning.

I know the right people are being placed in our lives and the wrong ones are being removed.  

I know that old doors are closing, 

I know that new ones are opening 

I know The pruning process can be uncomfortable and sometimes painful, 

This reminds me of one of the best talks ever given, 
listen to a portion of the Hugh B Brown talk, The Currant Bush)

I also know that it is for our good and the best is yet to come.

I know that when I pray, a friend listens and sometimes sends other friends my way

Thanks Karen!  This post is for you, one of those friends sent my way!

Bed Time Reading Books Undestructable

                                                              

Bendon Publishing Sesame Beginnings Board Books

I love reading time.  We do it every night before bed. 
We have our little ritual that seems to work great.  Bath Time, Bottle Time, Reading Time, Bed Time.  

These books are the best!.  They are thick cardboard with the best coloring and animation.  My little guy loves the "At the Zoo" Book, he kisses the elephant on the first page every time we read it!  The Bubbles Book he laughs and laughs along with me, The eyes nose fingers and tose in another fun book~!  it is about clapping your hands and making a sound, which he loves to do.  
The best part about these books is that you can get them at Dollar General for .99 cents.  
My little guys nick name is Mr. Destructo and he has yet been able to destruct these books.  

Highly recommended for bed time reading time!!!!

Louder Girl, Louder!

 This post is for me and for a friend of mine, we are both sometimes intimidated into keeping our mouths shut.  Dont get me wrong,  I am a big fan of "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"  In some situations.  However, if someone is trying to bully you or intimidate you, well then, now is time to stand up for yourself, stand up for your family and speak your mind.

I often catch my voice shaking with my particular situation, and thats ok.  I'd rather be the person with the voice that shakes, standing up for what I truly believe in, than be the person who makes another person's voice shake.  

  So if you are in this situation, speak your mind.  Clear, concise and without being cruel.

The cold hard facts are usually the best medicine for any bully.

Bring on the Problems, Bring on my Strength

Have you ever wondered why when life seems really tough, it seems to get tougher and tougher?  I am now a firm believer that a tough situation is followed by tougher situations for one reason and one reason only, to help me get out.  Bad decisions, like the ones I have made in the past, will not be easy to "get out of".  But I am on my way.  With every problem that has arises, I have found solutions, with every negative thought that sneaks into my brain I over power it with 10 positive thoughts.  

Problems are not problems at all, Problems are "the way out"

Overcoming those problems give you the strength you will need 

so when you are finally OUT, you will make sure you never get in, again!

Bring on the Problems!  Bring on the Strength!

Realize the Moment then Change the Moment!

Moments of fear and sadness crept up on me last week,  It was a difficult weekend, but I made it through just fine.

So, what is the Silver Lining to a crappy, feeling a little weak weekend?
The fact that I knew it, the fact that I recognized it, THE FACT THAT I CHANGED IT!

It is such a fabulous feeling to know that I am the only person who controls my feelings, my thoughts and my actions.

So on friday I was feeling weak....Let me share what I did to change this:
Friday Night: 10 Mile Run, I am NOT Weak, proven
Friday Night: Contacted Friends.  Made a play date for my guy and I with his brother and his mom
Friday Night: Made a play date for me with Friends on Thursday when my guy visits his Dad
Friday Night: Made a play date for me and my little guy on Saturday with another Friend and her girls
Saturday Morning: Gave two golf lessons and then played golf at Black Diamond Ranch, it is beautiful there!
Saturday Afternoon: Went to the dollar store and filled my cart with Arts and Crafts for my little guys playroom.  I love dollar stores!
Saturday Night: Picked up my guy and went to Dunkin Donuts for Ice Cream!
Sunday Morning: Went to a beautiful session of Church with My Guy where we sang our heart out and listened to a great Sermon.

The point is not what I actually did, but what I focused on...... I filled my life with what is really important to me;
FRIENDS; really good people.  I love being around really good people.
RUNNING; I love Running, I love how strong I feel when I finish a good hard run
GOLF: I love to teach and play golf,
CHURCH: I really love listening to Pastor Ray and his sermons, (he is the closest thing I have here in Florida to my younger brothers, Hank Smith, motivational speakings in Utah).  Church reminds me that there is good in this world and we can be a part of that good.
MY GUY: I love making fun things with my little guy, I love going out to dinner or desert with my guy,  I just love my guy and I am always happiest when I am doing anything for or with him!

I spoke to a close friend over the weekend who is like a father figure to me, he gave me some much needed inspiration.  He reminded me to press on and that everything was going to turn out OK in the end.  He reminded me that what I want most for Cooper and I is not that far away and he was 100% sure that soon we would be where we want to be.

So, I went back to my "Inspiration to Desperation" Quotes on file and found the one on this post.

This is what I take out of it the most.  

Hard times are going to sneak back in, accept it, that just shows that your human!  What you do once your realize those feelings are trying to work your way back into your mind is what matters now.

HOLD THE GROUND.  

Do not let fear, doubt or troubling times change your mind

Stay Strong and Press On  

The PRESENT is just the pathway to achieving your dreams for the FUTURE.  

Just something that happened in my life

Tonight is especially difficult for me, I am not sure why, other than my little guy is at his fathers home.  You would think I would be getting better at being alone.  I guess I am, I'm not sitting in the corner sobbing, so that is progression.  I've cleaned the house, done some laundry, made a Bills to pay poster for my fridge with colorful magnets to remind me what I haven't paid yet :)!  But man, am I sad.  I miss my little guy so much, I miss his older brother that was once a big part of my life.  I miss my family that I once had here in Florida and I really miss my family that I do have in Utah. 

It is crazy to me how things happen, I found myself wondering today "why?".  Now I make myself stop asking why and instead ask myself "What are you going to do about it?".  I have started School again.  I am 42 years old and going back to school...there is something very scary but very empowering about that.  I have found other options for our life that I didn't even consider before.

I am putting plans into motion, Plans B,C and D if Plan A doesn't work out.  Am I happy that my original plan for life didn't work out.  No, not really.  Am I happy that I am out of a unfaithful relationship.  Absolutely.  I know that I didn't deserve that and my little guy doesn't deserve to live in a home filled with lies, but it still is very sad.  I hope one day soon it will stop being so sad and just be what happened in my life.  I know it will turn into that someday, but when will that day come, I wish I knew.

Light Brings Light, Hope Brings Hope

I really like this!  It is similar to the "Take a Smile" I posted earlier and I have made one for my fridge, I used yellow post it notes and I grab one of the fridge and put it on my car dashboard every morning then return it to the fridge at the end of the day.

In a way, I am my own Cheerleader and that is OK!  I am a great Mom, I am a great friend and as long as I keep surrounding myself with great wonderful people I will only become greater!  :)))

I am a walking pep talk!

Let the Giggling Side of us Shine

Today my post is on Giggling and Playing and letting the smiles shine.  I had such a fun night last night with my little guy because I made it my sole mission to make him giggle.  By the end of the evening I am sure both of our mouths hurt from laughing and giggling so much.  Play time is definitely the best time in our house, and what is amazing is the learning that he does when we are playing.  I watched him copy my actions as we were playing hide and seek.  I watched him start to search for me behind the chairs and couches.  We built this huge tower with blocks and then swiped it down and he laughed and laughed everytime.  Whenever you are down, giggling is the best medicine!  Yes my house is cluttered with toys, shoes and pretty much anything my little guy likes to carry around the house, and that is OK!  I will clean it tomorrow.  But today I will let my little light shine! Let is shine, Let it Shine, Let it Shine!  (You know your secretly singing)

Positive Thoughts from a beautiful person

I have been sharing emails with my cousin, (who I is more like a Sister to me).  She has put a few thoughts down into words that have really helped me the past couple of days, so I thought I would share.  The first one is:

It looks like God is parting the Red Sea for you, I am excited to see what else he has in store!  That quote reminded me that even though we are going through some trials we are also SO Blessed and it really is like the glass 1/2 empty or 1/2 Full saying.  It all depends on how you look at your life.




The other thing she said to me is "When you are on the right path, even your bad choices turn out to be good for you".

She is a very smart woman.  Love her for that!

Decisions, Bad or Good must be made

I chose this quote because of the last half about "coalitions".  I am reconnecting with old friends and finding new friends.

I don't think of my life as "winning or losing" as much as I believe it to be "enduring and enjoying" the adventure with my little guy.  However I am realizing that without a coalition (friends) the adventure would be much more lonely and difficult.

It is very important to start building your coalition.  Make good solid friendships and reconnect with the ones that you let go for whatever reason.  I have made some really really really REALLY bad decisions in the past.    I vow to my son that I will never make another decision as blindly as I did one year ago today.

OUCH!

I do however remind myself that I made that decision out of love and faith in another person and that person failed us.  I did not fail us.  Having 100% faith in another person isn't a bad thing, just make sure that person is worthy of it.  Make better decisions by listening to those out of your situation.  Tell them the facts and then sit back and listen.  Listening is the key!  If I would have listened better I think I would have made better decisions.  But the past is the past.  I am learning from it and moving forward a little more brave and smarter than I was yesterday.  

I will untie my arm from the post, and catch the next train, 

but always keep the post in the back of my mind

to make sure I never make the same mistakes again!